I just received the best calling… again! I get to be in the nursery, again. This came as no surprise when the 2nd counselor called me into his office.  He asked how I was doing and when I was going to get married. I told him that plans had just recently changed and that marriage was not in my certain future any more. He wanted to clarify that I would be around for awhile and I said, “If I am needed” The nursery is truely where hearts are healed.

    Now I am not saying that I will not be getting married, it just isn’t sure anymore. Nothing is sure anymore.  I am going to go into my alagory of my garden to explain.

    I have not been working on my garden too much lately.  I have not weeded or paid much attention to what was growing and what was dying. But last week it was brought to my attention quickly that my Morning Glory was a big concern when it came to planning on planting another tender plant in my garden.  This specific plant requires alot of room to grow and be nurtured. It has gone uncared for for many years and is suseptible to disease and sickness.  It is not able or willing to share any ground with any of my other plants.  Even when I have assurred this special plant that I have plenty of room in my garden, it is not sure whether or not it will feel comfortable there. So for now I watch over my garden and wonder how all my past seeds and plants will get along.

I am the master of my own garden! I am the creator of my own life. I collect the seeds I wish to sow and then I watch them grow.  What I have discovered in my garden is that some of the seeds that I did not think would produce any worth while plants have become my most prized flowers and have added more beauty than I had ever imagined.  They are sprinkled throughout and add a richness that could not come through the flowers of my own choosing. Their colors are so deep and blossoms so big. These flowers represent painful challenges in my life that I didn’t want in my garden at all. I didn’t choose these seeds, but they were given to me. They were an ugly little plant at first and I wanted to dig them up and destroy them. But in time they began to blossom and turn into the most beautiful flower I have ever seen. These flowers are gifts from the greatest and most experienced gardener. He offered them to me only, my own unique flower that will never be seen in any other garden, ever. I had the choice to take His gifted seeds and let them be nourished  or I could have destroyed them and tried to plant something else in their place with what ever I wanted. But I trusted in this Master Gardener and His promise that these seeds were most precious above all the seeds I could purchase on my own. These seeds were promised to add the most to my garden and bring the most joy to myself and to others who came through to experience the beauty of my work.

          Along the journey in life, I have passed through many gardens and have desired to take some of the flowers I saw in them. I thought they would add beauty to my own garden. But they were not mine to take.  (One most special flower in particular; I wanted it above all other flowers I had ever envisioned.) Some of these flowers were found in the Master Gardener’s garden and I believed that if they were in His garden, they would have to be good in my own garden. I took them without asking. The yellow dandelions, the White top and Morning Glory with the white little flowers, had lain among the purples, pinks, reds and blues up in the mountains and had made me feel in awe of their beauty. I took a few of these plants home, (just one of each) and scattered them in between my other flowers, and they grew.  In fact, I didn’t have to do much before they took over the whole garden. They began to strangle out my other flowers almost to complete destruction. I didn’t understand. I thought these were good flowers. They had come from the Master Himself.  I returned to my garden to dig these plants that I had taken so selfishly. I began to nurture my other precious flowers.  I discovered that I could not destroy the Morning Glory, the White Top or the dandelions completely without killing my whole garden.  So they remain to remind me that some plants don’t belong in my garden unless they are given to me. They can be beautiful in the right places, but they can take over my garden.

    I can benefit from all these plants now. The dandelions provide nutrients in the green leaves. These leaves can taste very bitter as well.  The White Top takes constant pruning and builds my strength as I work to get rid of it completely, but never will succeed.  And the Morning Glory is a cover to add beauty to the unused soil that nothing else seems to grow in. Each one adds beauty and usefulness to my garden, even though they were not mine to take; they are of great benefit to me now.  And they will forever be a part of my garden.

I have had the intention of opening up my mind again and expressing myself here in this place.  It is taking longer than I had thought. I feel that my mind is so full of inexpressible treasures. Most of which can not be understood by anyone but myself. But here in my own little world,  I can share what I know and create my reality. Be patient with me, I am slow to words.

I really miss being able to express myself the way I use to. But now I am more in control over what and who I share things with.My writing abilities seem to have disappeared as well.  I have just attended a seminar that has assisted me in so many ways. This training is “Impact training”. For me, it has been an incredible experience. As I wish to write what I have learned, I am still unable to find the words to express my experience there. I will just say that I have found myself, I have forgiven myself and others and I am not afraid anymore.  These impact trainings continue as the next one is called “Summit”  I was determined to go to grow more, but have chosen to put all my efforts now into my children, myself and school and others. I have gained what was needed for me to go forward from here.  I just needed to remember who I was and why I am still here.

There are those who come into our lives and change them forever.  It is so very hard to understand the meaning of it all.  I hold on! I let go!  Just to find that I am still holding on unable to let go.  Others come and impact my life as well, giving me hope and love and a promise of a new day.  I can breathe, I can feel, I can love! But I can ‘t let go enough to grab on.  Time may be the answer. Love may be the solution. But for now, my heart still clings to what it can not comprehend.  But I move forward, one step at a time.

Dad took me and my girls to Taylor’s 100 year anniversary. Mom didn’t want to go and dad wanted someone to be with him. He ended up having a great time. I felt my heart pound like it use to, right out of my chest.  What on earth is the meaning of this incredible response?  I felt like I had run up many flights of stairs. My knees grew weak and all I could think to do is run! Brianna, Megan, and Katelynn and I played frizby, and that helped me gain my strength. I wonder if I will ever be able to control my heart!!!!!

Blogging was definitely a good thing for me when I did it It helped me with my writing skills and with the ability to express myself more clearly. When I shut this down, I shut down many things inside of me, and I am fearful that I don’t know how to get them back. I have a media writing class that is going to require that part of my brain to be open again. Shoot! So I will begin again.

I am back, but still not found.  Divorce has shook me to the very core, destroyed my foundation (which was damaged anyway) and started me searching deep within my soul for answers to questions I never had.  It was necessary and beneficial, but not without its severe pains! I jumped just as I was getting pushed off the cliff anyway. There was only one way to go. How I went was my only option.

I am still taking time away from expressing myself because I have to find myself first I do not know when that will be. I am sorry .